The Sower and the Seeds
And when a great crowd gathered around him, he told them a parable. "A farmer went out to saw his seed. As he sowed some fell along the path, and some dick cam along and troded on it. Another dick came and devoured it." And one of his disciples said, "Yeah, but the farmer was being careless and throwing it on the street. He probably got some in the rocks and in the thorns too. Wasn't the guy kind of asking for it?" As he said this, he called out, "No, just don't be a dick. It's pretty simple. There's just no excuse."
The Pharisee and the Publican
He also told them the parable, "Two men went in the temple to pray, a Pharisee and a tax collector. The Pharisee stood praying, "Thank you God that I'm not like these other low life's. They are ugly, and stink." The tax collector said, "God have mercy on me, I've been a dick." Then Jesus' said, if you are a dick, recognize it and ask for forgiveness. What a dick that pharisee is.
Then the Pharisee said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. Should I pay taxes or not?" And Jesus replied, "You have a nice house. Your wife and kids are well fed, wear nice clothes, and all have iPhones. Don't be a dick about it and just pay your taxes." "But what if they go to someone who is just going to buy drugs with it or waste it on booze.", they replied. "Yeah, that's not ideal, but it represents such a small amount of the taxes you pay. Stop being a dick."